Our Chances
by jessica499499
Summary: Jim's been placed in charge of a de-aged Spock, and things between them are changing in ways they never dared dream possible. But with this time slipping through their fingers so quickly, will they have the chance to be what it was predicted they'd become? Or will misconceptions, history and Uhura make things remain the same, when they could be so much better?So much more?
1. He thinks I'm his MOM?

Disclaimer: I own nothing. I just love writing Spirk.

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"Two to beam up now Scotty!"

"Aye Aye Captain! Energizing you and Mr. Spock!"

Scotty stood in front of the transporter pad and watched as two shimmer forms began to appear.

One was the Captain's, but the other's was too small to be any of the ship's officers. The littler form turned out to be a pile of clothes that was being moved about by some unseen force.

Jim had barely materialized before he was kneeling before the little moving bundle and clawing through the fabric.

"Spock! Can you hear me!? Spock!?"

Scotty rushed to his Captain's side and grabbed his shoulder roughly.

"By God, what happened Captain!?"

"The ambassador gave Spock a tonic as a parting gift after we formed the treaty. We scanned it! It was supposed to be fine! They made him drink it before he left and then he started to shrink! When I get my hands on them I'm gonna-"

"Waaa! Waaa!"

Jim pushed back a science blue top to reveal the source of the screeching.

Large watery chocolate brown eyes stared up at him from the face of the cutest baby Jim had ever seen, the adorable pointed ears included. The little thing was completely naked except for the top that covered his waist and Jim was stunned still at the sight.

"Spock?" He whispered tentatively.

The tiny baby paused at the calling of his name and stared up at Jim curiously. Then, like the sun peaking out from behind the clouds, Spock's face broke into a blinding smile.

His tiny hands stretched out to touch Jim's palm and he giggled at the contact.

"Spock…"

Scotty unfroze before Jim did and ran to the nearest intercom.

"Scotty to the bridge. We have a situation in the transporter room, requesting Uhura, Dr. McCoy and Sulu immediately. You aren't going to believe this. Scotty out."

Jim sat down cross legged and placed Spock gently into his lap, careful not to jostle him as he wrapped him up in the science blue top. The infant cooed happily and snuggled against Jim's shirt when he was done.

Not even five minutes later the requested crewmembers had joined them, each shocked at the sight of Jim holding a Vulcan infant.

Their Captain rose as soon as they entered and began giving orders.

"Sulu I want you and a security team to head back down to the planet and find out exactly what was in the drink the natives gave Spock, Bones I want you to take Spock to sickbay and scan him for any immediate danger and Uhura I want you to look into all the info we have about the Utylis. See if they've done this before."

Everyone stood still as stone and didn't react to their Captain's commands right away.

"Now!" Kirk ordered loudly, sending his officers scurrying about to obey his demands.

Dr. McCoy held out his arms for Spock and Jim reluctantly handed over the blue clothed bundle.

No sooner was Spock settled into Bones's arms than he was screaming bloody murder. Everyone in the room rushed to cover their ears from the high pitched wail that the young Vulcan emitted. Uhura was the first to react and quickly snatched Spock from McCoy's arms and thrust him back into Jim's. The moment Spock was once again in the Captain's arms his screeching ceased and he returned to his gentle cooing.

Silence hung in the air for a long moment before Bones spoke.

"What the Hell was that!?"

Uhura sighed and turned to glare at Jim.

"You let him touch you didn't you?"

Jim held Spock closer and nodded.

"Yeah, so?"

The communications officer rolled her eyes and sighed loudly.

"Vulcans are touch telepaths. They bond instantly with the first sentient life form they touch with a compatible mind. That tends to be their mother while they're still in the womb, but if a mother dies they pick the next available like-minded sentient being which, Lord help us all, happened to be you."

Jim looked down at the adorable cooing baby with a panicked look.

"You mean he thinks I'm his Mom!?"

Uhura rolled her eyes and shook her head no.

"He thinks you're his caretaker. He can sense you're a psi null and not related, but he won't accept anyone else as a parent until he's at least 6."

"He can't just turn it off or switch it to someone else? I mean, I can't raise him till he's 6!"

"Calm down Jim. We'll figure this out and get him back to normal. You just need to put up with it till then. You can handle a baby for a little while can't you?"

Spock yawned softly in Jim's arms and suckled on a corner of the top that covered him, looking innocent and adorable.

"Maybe?" Jim muttered, his tone as hopeful as it was questioning.

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I can't wait to finish posting this one. I've had the idea for it stuck in my head for the longest time and I'm finally going to get a chance to post it for the world to read! Hope everyone likes it as much as I do! Please read and review!

PS: There will be a special announcement at the end of this story that will be of great interest to all of my fans and followers!

So stay tuned and keep your eyes opened for updates! I promise this one is going to be awesome!

Yours truly,

Jessica499499


	2. Regret?

Jim was a little nervous. He had never been alone with a baby before now and while he could face an angry Klingon head on and not flinch, the slightest whimper of Spock's was terrifying to him.

Thankfully Spock was still the calmer of the two even at his new age. The little Vulcan babe was content to stare up at Jim's face and play with his fingers, smiling and giggling to himself every few minutes.

Bones had scanned the infant for anything abnormal and said he was in peak condition for a hybrid Vulcan. He'd be fine as long as Jim was at least within 10 feet and not held by anyone else.

It was still uncertain how long Spock was going to be like this, but Nurse Chapel had prepared him for long term baby sitting.

A cradle, a week's supply of formula, and a variety of clothes and toys had been provided and placed in his room while he helplessly stood by with a baby in his arms.

He hadn't planned to be a parent when he'd woken up that morning. Despite the shock of it all though he was secretly pleased to be the one Spock had picked to look after him. He would have been jealous if it had been anyone else. The Vulcan had become very near and dear to his heart and if something were to happen to him Jim never would have forgiven himself. He'd fallen for the Halfling somewhere in between the near death experiences and chess matches and he'd fallen hard.

To lose him now would have been unbearable.

It was almost peaceful to hold Spock in his arms and know that the half Vulcan was safe and secure, instead of having to worry about him being blown up the science labs or hurt on an away mission.

"I always knew you were a cute kid Spock, but I never dreamed this cute." Jim complemented the infant, secretly delighted at being able to do so without worrying about upsetting Spock.

The little Vulcan giggled at the surge of delight emanating from Jim's skin and pressed his palms to Jim's skin to send back his own joy.

Jim jolted at the unfamiliar feelings, but recognized it as the emotional transfer Uhura had prepared him for.

Spock would be able to tell him when he was in need of changing, food or sleep through this bond, even if they weren't touching. Even under the strange circumstances that was still pretty cool.

"I still hope they fix you up soon though. I don't know much about looking after a child. Even if it is you Spock."

Spock wiggled closer to Jim's warmth and held Jim's fingers to his lips. It was too endearing to see Spock act so cute.

Jim was so busy cooing over Spock that he didn't notice Uhura in his doorway until she cleared her throat loudly.

"I looked up everything we had on the Utylis's and spoke to Sulu and the away team. Looks like this was a case of the natives trying to be helpful and things going wrong, except this time it happened to Spock instead of you like it usually does."

"I resent that! It's not my fault bad things happen to me! They just do!" Jim cut in outrage, causing Spock to giggle.

Uhura rolled her eyes and made a 'moving on' gesture with her hand.

"Anyway, seems the queen was very interested in learning more about Spock while he was here. Utylis's are very emotional creatures and very empathetic. When one of them grows up as what they see as emotionally unhealthy they have a ritual for helping them. They believe that all emotional damage is done in the childhood and that the only way to fix them is to let them relive their earlier years with people who will offer them warmth and love.

To them Spock was the absolute worse case of emotional damage they had ever seen. They thought they were helping him and gaining points with the Federation at the same time. Spock's reluctant depiction of his early childhood to them didn't help any; he didn't have the greatest time growing up. We're just lucky she didn't try doing this to you."

Jim leaned against his desk and covered his face with his hand. He'd seen the natives grilling Spock about his childhood and hadn't given it much thought during the negotiations. He'd learned all about Spock's early years over the course of their time

together and he was aware that despite Spock's sugarcoating his life hadn't been the best.

All the adults in his life had been condescending and all the children had been cruel to him because of his mixed heritage. If anyone needed a chance to relive their childhood it would be Spock, but they didn't have the time or the resources to take care of Spock and raise him for back to adulthood.

Uhura noticed his worried expression and sighed.

"Don't worry Captain, the potion they gave Spock won't make him relive his whole life again. He should age a year for every standard week, but he won't have any memories of before now until he reaches the Utylis age of adulthood at eighteen. After eighteen weeks have passed the potion will end and Spock should return to his normal self with all his memories and about a 1/100 chance of having the ones he made while a child. Think you can handle 6 weeks with a growing Vulcan baby?"

Jim looked down on the tiny infant in his arms and smiled slightly.

"Six weeks is better than six years and eighteen weeks is way better than eighteen years. I can look after Spock for that long. I mean, how hard can taking care of him like this be?"

Uhura smiled and wondered how long it would take for Jim to regret those words.

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Here's my chapter two!

Please be sure to read and review!

Yours truly,

Jessica499499


	3. Distress

It wasn't long.

Even as a mere child Spock didn't need as much sleep as Jim did, and it worried the tot to not be able to sense Jim's conscious mind through their parental bond. Jim barely got 4 hours of sleep between his wailing and the transferred uneasiness Spock was feeling at his distance.

It was Uhura that eventual explained that Vulcan babies usually slept in their parent's arms so that the contact of their sleeping minds would sooth their children to sleep as well and familiarize them with their parent's mental signature. It was considered an important part of their bonding.

The first night Jim had been nervous about accidentally rolling over on Spock or transferring bad thoughts to the impressionable young babe, but that fear hadn't lasted long. Spock's mental touch was soothing and harmlessly probing at his subconscious until they were both in a deep slumber.

Jim couldn't say he wasn't fascinated by the whole process, but he was still the captain and having to look over a one year old was a strain. Spock wanted him in his sights at all times and Jim's parental instincts made the feeling just as strong for him. So he spent his whole shift giving orders with a tot swaddled to his hip. The rest of the crew found it hopelessly endearing and were constantly fretting over Spock.

Still the Vulcan gave little notice to their attention, his wide eyed gaze aimed only at Jim. It took the entire first week of their bonding for Jim to be able to convince Spock to allow the touch of others, but their skin had to be covered up at all times or Spock's mind would call out to Jim in panic.

Jim had come to tolerate his crewmate's attentions towards Spock, but found it endlessly annoying when Uhura tried to get Spock to speak her name over and over with no success. The only thing that had made him feel better was when Spock had deliberately looked away from her prodding fingers and stared straight into his eyes as he spoke his first word.

"Jim." He cooed out adorably, making the entire bridge crew awe at his cuteness.

Only Uhura looked away angrily before rushing off to her station. Despite seeing her reaction, Jim still sent Spock mental waves of approval and affection at his choice.

It was strange to watch the accelerated grow of his first officer as each day he grew bigger and more aware of the world around him, testing his strength and stability.

The first time Spock discovered he was stronger than his caretaker was a rather enlightening one for the pair.

It was Jim's shift and Spock was at his side as he always was, sitting atop the captain's lap with much more dignity than anyone thought possible. The ship had been given a series of star charting missions since they'd reported their first officer's condition to Star Fleet. They were in one of the safest sectors of space and there hadn't been any kind of battle or conflict there in over 57 years.

Till today. Out of nowhere alarms began to blaze as a rogue Klingon Bird of Prey dropped out of warp with their weapons set to kill.

Immediately Jim was up and giving orders, commanding his ship with all the grace of an honored admiral even as he held Spock to his chest protectively. Spock was more terrified than he'd ever been in his 5 week old life and his tiny hands gripped Jim's sides tightly. The two ships battled for only an hour, but to Spock it felt like forever as he buried his little face into Jim's chest. It was reassuring to hear Jim's heart beating steadily against his ear, reminding him that Jim was alive and that meant everything was okay.

When it was over and the ship was once again safe Jim's heart returned to it's normal pace and Spock pulled his face from the folds of Jim's gold shirt. Their skin wasn't touching, but Spock could feel the thrill of triumph vibrating from the core of Jim's very being along with a deep seeded pride of his crew.

That pride shone even at him as Jim looked down at him for the first time since the battle had begun. He knew his face was flushed and his eyes were wide, but Jim took no notice of that, instead he just smoothed Spock's disheveled hair back down and held him close.

"You were very good Spock. You did just what you were supposed to do. You didn't make a fuss or panic and distract us. I'm so proud."

Spock allowed the tiniest of smiles to appear on his face and sat quietly as Jim went and made sure that everyone was okay and nothing was critically damaged.

Spock didn't like to speak yet, hating how his words sounded so garbled and unclear through his tiny unpracticed mouth. He knew Jim thought it was cute, but he wanted to be better at it before he tried it in front of others. So he quietly watched Jim interact with the people around them with only the barest amount of envy and was lightly dozing by the time Jim made his way to Sickbay. Jim took notice of his bobbing head and whispered into his ear a quite warning before handing him off to Nurse Chapel.

He didn't like her too firm hold and he forced his drooping gaze to follow after Jim's retreating back. The captain did a quick double check to make sure that Spock was snoozing and his eyes looked just closed enough to be mistaken for sleep.

His groggy mind perked up a bit as Jim flipped his golden top over his head and sat on the nearest biobed. Spock was shocked to see his Jim's skin discolored into unnatural shades of purple and pink. What was worse was that the bruises were shaped like tiny handprints, exact duplicates of his own little hands. Guilt overwhelmed him as he watched Bones wave a scanner over his caretaker's chest and mumbled darkly to Jim about being more careful.

Chapel had other patients in sickbay awaiting her care and was quick to drop Spock off in his and Jim's corridors and be on her way.

Spock was thankful for the privacy and quickly buried himself under the thick covers on his and Jim's bed.

He had hurt his caretaker, his Jim. He could not comprehend that he was capable of hurting the one he cared about most. His eyes misted over with tears that his eyes could not shed.

He had seen an ensign cry over a fallen friend only two days prior and found it disturbing that his eyes could not do the same. It was not the first time that he had noticed the difference between himself and the others aboard the ship, but it had never seemed so plain to him as it did right now.

An hour came and went without Spock's notice until finally Jim entered their darkened room. His steps were quiet and hesitant as he made his way to their bed. Spock kept his breathing even and his thoughts slow so Jim would think he was asleep, but he knew that he hadn't fooled his caretaker. Jim was quick to gather him up in his arms and hold him close.

"You okay Spock? Your mind seems troubled."

Spock curled around Jim's arm and said nothing, merely nodded his head lightly. He was grateful that Jim could only sense the emotion of his thoughts instead of knowing them.

Jim sighed and did not press the subject, knowing that Spock would speak to him when he was ready.

He just let his mind project soothing thoughts through his skin and waited until Spock was asleep before allow himself the same luxury.

He knew in his dreams that Spock couldn't hide from him and there he would be able to understand the cause of his distress.

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I know that Vulcan's can cry and that Spock can cry. But I like the concept and I wanted to throw it in this one. It'll be mentioned a few more times, so don't freak out if you're a hardcore Trekkie and know that that fact isn't a part of the show.

Anyway, thanks for all the support so far! Be sure to read, review and tell your friends!

Yours truly,

Jessica499499


	4. In Dreams

Spock was alone in his quarters, but his ceiling had become a sky filled with storm clouds that twisted and turned like his troubled thoughts. It unsettled him that he was alone and without his Jim. He didn't like to be alone.

No sooner did the thought cross his mind than Jim was at his side, his arms wide and ready for him.

The tiny Vulcan raced into his embrace and snuggled into Jim's top, basking in his caretaker's acceptance.

"Spock." Jim whispered, his question going unspoken but heard.

Spock looked shamefully away from Jim's questioning gaze and instead of answering lifted the top of Jim's gold shirt.

Even in the land of dreams Jim's bruises stood out plainly against his tanned skin. Knowing that Jim could not feel pain here Spock placed his hands against the bruise and aligned his fingers to match it.

"I have hurt you. I am so young yet I am much stronger than you. My ears are pointed and yours are not. I hear better than you and I am the only telepath on the ship. That coupled with my rapid ageing and green blood can only lead me to believe that I am more different than I once thought. I want to know why. Why I am so different? To which world do I belong? Who are my parents? Why am I in your care?"

The clouds above their heads thundered and flashed in violent burst as an unseen wind whipped around them. Spock wiggled free of Jim's hold and stood before him with clenched fists.

"I need to know the truth! Why do you lock these facts from me in your mind?! Why do you tell me nothing of my existence?!"

Jim watch in wide eyed horror at the rage that Spock unleashed at him, wondering how he could have missed the growing wrath inside the tiny Vulcan.

Immediately he was overwhelmed with guilt at having kept the details of his life from Spock. This was a completely understandable reaction and he knew that Spock deserved nothing but the truth.

Without a thought of the mental backlash that Spock could unleash upon his mind Jim knelt before the teary eyed tot and cupped his face between his hands.

"I'm sorry Spock. I didn't mean to keep the truth from you. I just didn't know if you would understand, I see now how wrong I was. I'll tell you everything. All you had to do was ask."

The wind died down as though it had never been and as Spock's hand unclenched and his anger vanished.

"Jim….I didn't know….I am sorry." He whispered softly, ashamed at his outburst.

Jim smiled softly and shook his head.

"You have nothing to be sorry about Spock. You have every right to question the world around you. Next time, just come to me instead of letting your anger build like that. Your kind feel things very deeply, so much so that if you let your emotions have free rein they'll consume you. But you must never deny them, because without that fire inside you, life losses it's meaning. Promise me that no matter what I tell you about yourself that you will not lose that fire."

Spock nodded in confirmation and sat down cross legged next to his caretaker. Jim sighed and gathered his thoughts together.

"You are many things Spock. A child of two worlds, a great first officer, but you have been and always will be my friend….

The two talked for hours about what had transpired before Spock's transformation and Jim didn't sugar coat it at all.

He told Spock everything, from the destruction of Vulcan to the strangling on the Bridge. Spock took it all in stride, asking only the occasional question or query about Jim's tale.

When Jim was finally done he looked to Spock for any reaction to his explanation.

"Do you understand now Spock? I may not be your parent by blood, but I do care very deeply about you. As much as I would if you were my own brother. But if you would rather be in the care of Uhura, your fiancé, I would understand. You weren't terribly fond of me when you were grown and our parental bond will only keep you bound to me for a week more. It's your choice to make."

Spock looked away from Jim and leaned against his side almost tiredly despite this all being a dream.

"I do not wish to be apart from you. Bond or no bond. I do not know this Uhura woman well and whatever she was to my older self she is not to me. If it does not inconvenience you terribly I would request to remain in your company for as long as you will have me."

Jim felt his insides warm at Spock's admission and was secretly delighted to have more time with the Halfling.

"You are always welcome at my side Spock. I will never turn you away."

The tot blushed lightly, but Jim was more focused on the parting clouds above them and feeling the warmth of the sun on his face.

"I'm glad we had this chance to talk Spock. I'm glad your mind chose me. That we were compatible. I always had a feeling we would be…..The older you just never gave me a chance. He never got past what happened when we first met."

Spock could feel Jim's sadness and how it caused the mist like fog that had begun to form around them. He wanted nothing more than to end his sorrow.

"My older self must have been a fool to not give you a chance Jim. It is his loss to never know the depths of your understanding and the warmth of your mind. I will never make his mistake."

Jim's sadness was replaced with a warm feeling of affection and the captain was quick to gather the tiny Vulcan in his arms and shamelessly hug him.

"I hope you remember this time Spock. Maybe when you are grown again this bond will not be lost to us. Maybe we will be the best friends that it was foretold we would be. Like we are now."

Spock stopped trying to escape from Jim's bone crushing hug and looked up at him with awestruck eyes.

"I am your best friend?"

Jim looked up at him from his own musings and flashed an embarrassed grin at Spock.

"I guess I shouldn't assume something like that. I mean it must be hard to have someone like me in your head all the time."

Spock could sense his insecurity and it pleased him in a small way.

"Your mind is nothing but welcome and warm Jim. I would be proud to call you my best friend." He assured his caretaker. The burst of happiness he received at in response was worth more than anything to him.

"Thank you Spock, that means a lot to me."

The two sat a while longer in a silence that held no tension or worry. Together they were at peace as their bodies rested for the day ahead.

Neither were experienced enough with bonds to realize their bond was changing, morphing from that of family, to something more. It's interesting to wonder how things might have turned out if they had known then what it would become. What it would cause.

* * *

Well…what do you think?

Yours truly,

Jessica499499


	5. Fever Dreams

T'Lou arrived at the beginning of Spock's seventh week of life as a child. She was to be his instructor while in his current form and help him deal with his fast paced development. She was old, even by Vulcan standards and had little to offer in the rebuilding of her home, but at least on the Enterprise she could take the place of teacher to Spock.

Jim welcomed her aboard to his ship with all the attention of a visiting of ambassador, despite his reluctance to have Spock taken away from him. He feared for the weakened bond between them now that Spock was no longer a child.

He feared soon it would be Uhura's attentions that he sought, like it had been before Spock's de-aging. He felt certain that he would be forced to watch them fall in love all over again and that it would break his heart.

So he held onto what little time he had left with all his soul, always tensed for the moment what the bond between them would break.

He was sure the recoil would be beyond painful.

Spock was tentative in his reintroduction to the crew. He'd been very clingy as a toddler and even now did not like to be out of Jim's sight. But he had a willingness about him to know more about his environment. His gaze was filled with a curiosity that as an older man he'd barely let be seen, but now seemed always present.

He wanted to learn, to know all there was to know about the world around him. He wanted to be able to be of use to Jim like he had been as a first officer. Every minute of his day while Jim was on the bridge was spent memorizing all the rules of Starfleet, trying to impress his caretaker.

Every night he would greet Jim in their quarters with all the new information he had learned and they would talk for hours about everything. Soon they didn't even have to finish their sentence before they knew what the other was going to say. It was kind of the bond that Jim had always wanted with older Spock. To be as close as Prime had been with his Jim. They were so close that others felt awkward in their presence, as though they were intruding on something incredibly intimate and special.

Something that Uhura didn't understand.

She had been enraged when Jim had explained that Spock did not want to return to their quarter when his and Jim's bond had made it possible for them to be apart. She hadn't counted on them not wanting to be separated.

Jim knew she missed her fiancé and felt bad for her being all alone in the corridors she had shared with Spock before he'd been de-aged. But he felt even worse when he thought of Spock leaving him alone again. It had been bad enough when his first officer had moved out of the room next to him to move in with Uhura and left him without a late night chess partner, but to have Spock taken from him now would be too painful.

It didn't feel like he would be losing a child he had raised or a best friend that he cherished, but someone he cared for. Someone he loved.

And he did love Spock. He loved the way Spock smiled when he thought no one else could see. The way he questioned everything and studied anything he could get his hands on. The way that Spock would touch him now like it was the most natural things in the world, so unlike when he was an adult who flinched at any kind of contact.

Mostly he loved the fact that this Spock wanted to be with him. That he wanted them to be friends. He loved Spock and he hated himself for it, but couldn't stop.

It was just too easy to fall for the rapidly aging boy who he had loved before this all began, especially when he had loved the man he had been before too.

He had no idea that Spock felt the same. The young boy was not ignorant of his growing desire for his caretaker. Jim was always so calm and gentle with him, treating him as though he was the most precious things in the universe. He loved feeling so loved, but it was hard for him to understand what he was feeling.

He knew that Lieutenant Uhura loved him. She always looked at him like he was the center of her world and he knew that she wanted to be with him any free moment she had.

But he didn't want that. The few times they had talked he had tried to understand what his older self saw in her. He had honestly tried to see what about this woman would make him pledge to marry and bond with her.

Yet every conversation seemed to go the same. She was always trying to get him to be who he had been before, to discourage him from acting human in front of anyone else but her, and to only care for her.

The more she tried though, the more he couldn't understand what his older self had seen in her. She wanted him to only be himself with her and hated when he showed the barest hint of affection and emotion to others.

Even if she had been his perfect match in every way he still wouldn't have liked her just because of the way she treated Jim. Even at work she always bordered on the edge of insubordination with the way she talked to Jim. She treated him like he was an idiot and didn't understand anything she said when Jim was clearly a thousand times smarter than her. He didn't need to see their test results to know that Jim's IQ was way higher than hers and her only good traits were her looks and skills with languages.

She was nothing compared to Jim, who overlooked her rude comments and kept her on the ship for her skills. He was above her petty attempts to induce an outburst that could be used against him and Spock respected him all the more for it.

Jim was his idol, his parent, and community leader all in one. In Spock's eyes there was no one in the universe more phenomenal than James T. Kirk and he wasn't afraid to admit it.

He wasn't afraid to be afraid.

From what he knew about his older self he'd spent his whole life trying to be perfectly Vulcan despite his half human heritage. Spock didn't understand that. He wasn't entirely Vulcan and while he could see the logic in being a totally logical being he also saw its flaws.

He wanted to be happy, to smile and not be given weird looks by the rest of the crew, and mostly he wanted Jim to look at him like more than just a child.

He knew his ageing was not natural and that in a few weeks time he would return to the age and person he'd been before the potion that had made him the age he was now, but still….He couldn't believe that would still be him, that he'd still be the same person.

He wanted to be remembered as something different, as someone different, and he was certain no one would, not even Jim.

Because when Jim looked at him there was always a little part of him that knew Jim saw who he had been before. The person he didn't remember being and didn't want to. He'd gone through the materials his older self had 'left' and found little to indicate a personality, let alone happiness.

It had been cold, impersonal in ways Spock hadn't thought a person could live with. He hated being in his former room and found Jim's corridors to truly feel like home.

The future seemed more daunting by the day as he grew notably older with each.

Also with each day that past, with each hour that he was allowed at Jim's side, he found himself growing fonder and fonder of his caretaker. It wasn't until his 14th week that he realized to what degree.

He'd been sleeping in his own bed since his 7th week and had learned how to build barriers between his dreams and Jim's from T'Lou by his 14th.

He couldn't have been more grateful for that fact considering the dream he'd had on the Monday of that week.

He'd allowed his control to slip during his sleep and permitted uncontrollable elements into his dreams. That night he'd dreamt of being on Vulcan, allowing all that he had read about the planet to form a mental image of his lost home world. He found the setting peaceful and hadn't been surprised when Jim had appeared at his side. He found Jim peaceful too.

But he was surprised when the blonde had straddled his waist as he stared at the starlit night.

"Jim?" He'd questioned breathlessly.

The blonde had just smiled down at him as he lay pinned to the ground and brushed a hand lightly down Spock's face.

"Hi Spock." He muttered nonchalantly before leaning down and kissing Spock's neck gently.

"Jim?!"

The blonde didn't stop his actions despite Spock's outraged voice and instead smiled against his skin.

"Hmmm Jim." Spock moaned despite himself as the blonde continued. It felt so good to have Jim's lips on his skin and to look up and see the face of the man he loved.

"Love you Spock." Jim whispered into a pointed ear before nipping at the tip.

"I love you too Jim. Don't stop. Please don't stop." Spock begged without reservation. He wanted this more than he ever thought possible and nothing was going to stop him from enjoying it.

"Jim, Jim, Jim!" He gasped as the blonde continued trailing kisses down his neck and grinding against him.

"Spock?" Jim asked sleepily.

Spock jolted up from his bed and gasped for breath as he stared with dilated eyes at the face that had just been dreaming about making out with.

"You okay Spock? I thought I heard you calling my name." Jim asked before yawning, giving Spock a chance to shift enough to hide the result of how excited that dream had made him.

His cheeks flushed bright green as he realized the state he was in and he wanted nothing more than to die of embarrassment on the spot.

"I'm sorry Jim. I merely had a bad dream."

Jim grinned knowingly.

"I think I know what kind of dream you're talking about. I had the same kind when I was your age."

"You did?" Spock asked timidly, grateful for the understanding Jim was trying to offer.

"Yep, every teenager does. I don't want to you to feel like it isn't normal. Any teenager with Uhura around is sure to have a few wet dreams staring her. It's as natural as breathing, even for half Vulcans."

Spock's blush didn't waver as he kept starring Jim, feeling the fire in his stomach flaring instead of waning.

"I wasn't dreaming about Uhura." He admitted shyly, hating how awkward he felt.

Something flickered through Jim's gaze as he processed this and even through their weakened bond Spock could still feel his surprise and just maybe a little hope.

What was Jim hoping for?

"You can dream about whoever you like Spock, I'll never judge you." Jim assured him with a gentle grin.

Spock wanted to admit to Jim that he dreamed of his caretaker taking him and finishing his latest fantasy but knew he could not.

His personality would only be around for another few weeks, then he would be returned to the stoic man he knew his former self had been. He had no right to act on his feelings and ask Jim to indulge his sincere and desperate desire to love him.

So he kept his silence as Jim offered him one last faint smile before exiting his corridors and leaving Spock by himself.

Every fiber in him urged him to follow the blonde and confess how deeply and utterly in love he was with him, but his resolve was firm. Jim would never know how he felt about him. He would live till his 19th week and then be returned to who he had been before, unwanted fiancé and all.

The thought alone made his eyes mist over and his heart long to weep for what he would never have and would possibly never even recall when he came of age again.

He gave a quiet dry sob over the love he felt in his heart and the knowledge that it would disappear with him, unknown and unwanted.

Little did he know that Jim was giving himself the same pep talk, convincing himself that he had no right to love the poor teen brought into his care. It would not be fair of him to hope it was himself that filled Spock's dreams and overflowed their bond with a fiery desire that he still felt lingering in his veins.

Spock would only be the boy Jim had come to love more and more every day for another five weeks, than he would be forced to deal with the Spock that despised him and wanted only Uhura. His heart ached at the thought and how even now with the hope of his feelings being returned and the prospect of Spock forgetting all of this, he could not offer his heart to the brown eyed boy who already unknowingly possessed it.

It wouldn't be fair to either of them and if Spock did remember a relationship between them beyond what they had now…..After he was returned to normal and it would surely only lead to disaster.

He would not be the thing that broke Spock's and Uhura's relationship because of his secret. He'd kept it far too long for that to ever happen.

So with equal heavy hearts the pair laid in their beds and repeated to themselves over and over that what they were doing was for the best.

Their attempts to avoid each other's heartbreak were placing the very undesired cracks on each others hearts.

* * *

Too nervous to write a author's note. What do you guys think?

Please read and review!

Yours truly,

Jessica4999499


	6. A Simmering Start

It was T'Lou that first took note of Spock's affections. To a Vulcan even the subtlest of movements and changes in speech are of note and T'Lou had lived long enough to know the actions of a sentient being in love.

She had lost her bondmate with her world's destruction, but she could recall with perfect clarity how they had met and how they had loved. It was one emotion she would not be ashamed of and frankly she was too old to pretend otherwise.

She saw how Spock looked at Captain Kirk. How his eyes lit up and his lips quirked up slightly. The boy was obviously infatuated with the blonde and she was unsure about how she should deal with the situation. Part of her wanted to aid Spock in obtaining love despite his unique situation, but another part of her felt like in doing so she would be undermining the decisions made by the older Spock she had never met.

He had chosen a female mate of his standards for himself and as far as she was aware had never shown any interest with Captain Kirk before their parental bonding.

Logically she had no reason to interfere in the affairs of the Captain and first officer, but still…..It was hard to watch them interact and not notice how the pair completed each other. Even when just standing next to each other in the same room they exuded happiness and utter contentment. They were closer than any pair she had ever seen, even ones bonded like she and her mate had been.

When she saw Lieutenant Uhura try to interact with her student she was struck by how wrong they seemed for each other. They were not compatible the same way Spock and his captain were. There just wasn't the same spark, as humans would say.

T'Lou felt for him and his struggle.

He would only exist for a few short weeks more and then his memories would be lost, leaving behind anyone who had come to love him for who he was now.

She didn't want to hurt the Captain or Lieutenant that way, but she didn't want to see Spock hurting now. He's life was barely a flash of a lifetime, didn't he deserve the one thing he wanted?

She had to know what they had been before this change. What Spock had been like before he'd gotten a chance to relive his childhood.

It didn't take her long to find some unrestricted footage of the two of them and it took her even shorter amount of time to see that very little had changed between the two of them. They gravitated toward each other even then, finishing each others thoughts and communicating without a word passing between them. It steeled her resolve to help Spock gain his mate if only for the short amount of time he would have him.

She didn't know how she was going to help, but she was going to keep her eyes open and wait for the right opportunity. She had no idea that her opportunity was already brewing in Jim and Spock's corridors as the young Vulcan kicked and scratched at his blankets in an anguished induced nightmare.

The blood in his veins had already begun to simmer and before the week was through it would be at a boil.

* * *

A little update to make my dear friend T feel better!

How it helps T!

Yours truly,

Jessica499499


	7. Running Out of Time

Spock entered his 18th week with a harsh greeting as he dreamed of heat and fire scorching his body. His emotions ran amuck as he struggled against the unseen flames to the oasis he knew awaited him close by.

He could feel his salvation getting closer with each mental step and he let his whole being rush forward into the cooling force that felt so tantalizingly close yet so very far away.

He awoke panting and sweating like a fiend as he gasped for every breath he could.

He had never felt such heat before in his life and it scared him as much as it excited him.

It was like his dream about making out with Jim, but a thousand times better.

He was grateful that Jim was already on shift, because if he hadn't been Spock didn't know if he could have stopped himself from jumping his caretaker in his current state.

With a rough shake of his head Spock tried to clear the flames from his mind.

His temperature was slightly higher than normal and his heart refused to decelerate, but other than that he didn't feel sick.

With one last worn sigh Spock got up to begin his day. T'Lou was waiting and he was already in danger of being late. He almost considered being late just for a chance to see the shocked look on Jim's face when he told him that night.

Jim was sure to smile at him, maybe even pull him close for a hug. He liked being close to Jim, to feel his delicious warmth through his clothes and inhale his heady scent, maybe even put his hand under his top and-

Spock pulled his shirt over his head and stared at himself in the mirror wide eyed.

His whole face was flushed green and he was sporting a sizable erection just from having thought of Jim's _smile_.

Spock reached over to his terminal and typed a quick message to T'Lou about changing their meeting time another hour.

He needed to mediate **right **now.

* * *

T'Lou was puzzled by her student's message about arriving late, but didn't grow very concerned until he was another 10 minutes late from their rescheduled time in their conference room.

When he did arrive it was obvious something was wrong. She could see him through the clear walls that separated the room she was in from the hall and the closer he got the more concerned she grew.

His normally perfectly styled hair was sticking up in several places and his shirt was wrinkled beyond repair. His skin was sickly pale and his blank expression looked more scary than neutral.

Lieutenant Uhura was trailing after his fast paced stride and T'Lou had the distinct impression that the human woman was nagging him.

She strained her hearing to focus in on their conversation and frowned internally at what she heard.

"Spock. You need to stop behaving like a child. You're too old to still being sharing corridors with Jim. You only have a week left of being in this condition and I want you back in our corridors before then."

Spock visibly twitched at the word 'condition' as he turned to face her with a killer glare.

"My entire existence and memory span is not a _condition_. It's _me_ and to me you are nothing. You have no say over where or how I live my life. Even if I only exist for a week more, I will not exist for you. I can barely tolerate you."

Uhura looked a cross between furious and surprised as she huffed dramatically and stomped back they way they had come.

Spock watched her go with a slightly appeased expression before entering the room T'Lou was waiting in.

He took a graceless seat across the table from her and began tapping his foot incessantly a moment later.

"You seem unsettled today Spock, are you at your optimal level of health?"

Frustration and anger flickered across Spock's face at her question and that told T'Lou more than he could have ever said.

T'Lou didn't need to be a physician to tell what condition Spock was suffering from.

She caught his gaze with a stern look and made sure he was paying attention.

"Spock I need you to listen to me very carefully. You are suffering from a Vulcan condition known as Pon Far. It is very important that you return to your quarters as soon as possible and avoid getting close to anyone. You are to lock yourself in and not allow anyone access. Even if it's the captain you must not allow him near you until I explain to him what has occurred. I will explain your condition to him and Doctor McCoy, so until you hear from one of us consider yourself under quarantine. You must try and meditate as best you can on your own until you are told otherwise."

"What's wrong with me?" Spock asked in an eerily calm voice.

T'Lou pitied him. He didn't need this kind of stress in his life right now. But at the same time she knew that this could be the answer to her prayers.

Now Spock would have every reason in the world to take Jim as his own and Jim wouldn't be able to reason himself out of it or feel guilty.

"Don't worry Spock. Everything will be okay." She promised quietly.

Spock nodded and left the room without complaint.

T'Lou hit the intercom button on her left and contacted Doctor McCoy, the Captain, and Uhura.

She would need to speak with them all as soon as possible.

Spock was already running out of time.

* * *

Cramps, Finals, and Christmas shopping are killing me. I will try to keep updating on a regular basis, but I can't make any promises. Please just read and review to help me get through this stressful time.

(Plus I promised this to Tina over a week ago and forgot, so...Sorry T.)

Yours truly,

Jessica499499


	8. Choice of the One Who Burns

T'Lou's requested trio arrived promptly at her call and met her in sickbay where the elder Vulcan waited until they had all gathered in the Doctor's office before she answered any of their questions.

"Don't keep us in suspense T'Lou. What's wrong with Spock?" Jim asked worriedly.

The captain was visibly twitchy with worry at the thought of his love being unwell. Ever since he'd woken up that morning he'd been uneasy and this message only verified his suspicion

Their bond was also closed too tightly for Jim to really gauge Spock's state of well being and that worried him beyond believe.

Spock didn't usually close it at all.

T'Lou watched him pace for a moment longer before she placed her hand on his shoulder and met his gaze.

Understanding flashed between them and Jim sat down with a sigh.

"What's going on T'Lou? Why can't I feel him?"

The other two in the room gave him weird looks, but T'Lou just nodded her head.

"I suspected as much. He's most likely starting to feel the pain about now."

"Pain?" Jim asked anxiously.

T'Lou nodded in affirmation.

"Spock has most likely close off your parental bond in order to shield you from it. Without it you would be a great amount of discomfort by now."

Everyone else in the room tensed at her matter of factual tone and waited with baited breath for her to explain what was going on.

T'Lou didn't sugar coat it.

"Spock's entering his first Pon Farr."

Neither Uhura nor Jim knew the term, but Bones swore loudly in response.

"I should have known." He muttered angrily to himself.

Jim didn't have it in him to be patient when it came to Spock being in trouble on a normal day and this day was far worse than normal.

"What the hell is Pan Farr?" He questioned fretfully, directing his question at either of them.

"T'Lou should probably explain it. I only know the basics." Bones said with a shrug.

T'Lou nodded.

"Pon Farr is the Vulcan mating drive. Every seven years a mature Vulcan male will experience it. Their control will become erratic, their emotions unstable, and their temperature will rise dramatically. The first stages are manageable, but they are followed quickly by rage, possessiveness and dangerously unstable behavior. His desire to claim a mate will become all consuming and without one the fever will consume him and he will perish."

Both Jim and Uhura flinched at her emotionless voice as she described the fate of the man they both loved.

"What can be done for him T'Lou? There has to be a cure!"

T'Lou nodded slowly and eyed them both carefully.

"There is, but it is dangerous."

Jim scowled and clutched his fists in frustration.

"I don't care if it's dangerous. Tell us what we can do and we'll do it!"

Uhura nodded along to his words eagerly and practically vibrated with determination.

Again T'Lou eyed them both before nodding.

"Very well. There are only two ways in which Pon Farr may be survived. The inflicted can try meditation in order to try and suppress the fever, but this method is very rarely successful and often results in a lingering and excruciatingly painful death. I have instructed Spock to meditate for now, but even full Vulcans have little hope for this method and Spock doesn't have the metal discipline needed to even hope of surviving the week. He will need a mate. The sooner the better."

Jim tensed just as the words sunk in for Uhura and she grinned at him almost gloatingly.

"As Spock's fiancé I will be happy to save him in his time of need and allow him to take me as a mate. We were inevitably going to bond before his accident anyway."

T'Lou expression didn't change, but Jim had the distinct feeling she was choosing her words carefully.

"You are right child. As Spock's pre-chosen it is your duty see him thought this difficult time. But you must be aware that the Spock you knew and the Spock going though Pon Farr are two very different people. Your Spock might have accepted you without question, but this Spock holds no fondness for you. Had he wanted you as his mate he would not have lashed out at you this morning, he would have sought to please you and gain your favor. Should you go to him now and he perceives you as a threat, he could very well injure or kill you. It is your right to try, but I do not believe it is in either of your best interests."

Uhura looked furious at having her claim to Spock challenged and her next words came out in a condescending hiss.

"Than whom do you suggest we send T'Lou? You?"

Her words were clearly mocking and spiteful, but T'Lou's expression didn't change.

"I would not survive an encounter with Spock in this state and I am not his chosen. If there is anyone on this ship who has the greatest chance of seeing Spock though this it would be your captain."

All eyes turned to Jim and his surprised expression.

"Me?" Jim asked incredulously.

Uhura vibrated with anger enough that Jim had a passing thought of suggesting Bones sedate her.

"Him?! He has no right to lay a hand on Spock! He's mine!"

Uhura rushed toward him like a viper ready to strike and Jim was ready for just as violent a reaction.

Instead she stopped less than an inch from his face and glared directly into his eyes.

"I bet you had something to do with this Kirk." She whispered menacingly.

"You've been lusting after Spock since day one and now you think you can have him when he's most vulnerable? I won't allow it! I'd rather risk his death than hand him over to you without a fight!"

In the blink of an eye Jim went from surprised to pissed.

"You selfish bitch! How can you be so self-centered as to put your pride before his life?! Let alone accuse me of somehow causing him this pain! I would give my life for him in a heartbeat and never regret it! All that has kept me from trying to make him mine was the fact that he loved you, even though you don't deserve it! He's never wanted me and the one time he needs me you throw a hissy fit?!"

Jim was so enraged that Uhura backed away without him having to lift a finger.

Jim looked angry, pained and all together ready to burst into tears.

"You have no idea what it's like to look into the eyes of your T'hy'la, your soulmate, everyday and know they don't want you. To know they would never choose you….

I have never acted on my feelings Uhura. He's yours and he will always be yours."

Jim took a deep breath to calm his nerves and refused to allow Uhura to look away from him. His voice was on the edge of pleading.

"But would it be so hard to let me have him now? The only chance I'll ever get? You have a lifetime to look foreword to. Grant me this. One time to remember even if he won't. For the sake of his life."

Uhura's gaze held no compassion or remorse for Jim's suffering.

"I don't care what you think you are to him. I will never give you the chance to take him from me."

With a sharp spin of her heel and whip of her hair Uhura was out of Sickbay and no doubt rushing to Spock and Jim's corridors.

Jim had to fight ever single instinct inside him that told him to stop her, to pull her back by her annoyingly long hair and keep her away from his love, but Bones's and T'Lou's expressions kept him where he stood.

All the energy that had come with his rage had left with it and all he had left was an overwhelming feeling of dread and pain.

He'd just confess to a stranger and his best friend that he was in love with Spock. That he knew without reason or doubt that he was Spock's T'hy'la. He knew it as clearly as he knew the sun brought warmth. But to speak it out loud brought it into a whole new light. In saying it out loud he had put it past the point of denial and suppression.

His heart ached with the knowledge that Spock, his Spock, would be given the opportunity to have Uhura again and may very well choose her. Again.

No matter how much he loved Spock, no matter how right they were for each other, compared to Uhura he knew he could never compete.

She was beautiful, talented and able to give Spock the approval of his Clan and children. How could he ever compete with that?

Bones lead him over to a biobed and sat along side him with an arm slung around his shoulder.

"Oh Jimmy. You don't deserve this."

Jim leaned warily into his side and tried not to focus on the feeling of his own tears running down his face.

T'Lou had said nothing during this whole encounter and only reacted now to come to Jim's side and kneel before him.

Her elderly face was so blank and yet so kind.

She understood. As one who had loved and lost she knew what it was to lose what was held most dear to her.

She reached out her wrinkled hands and held his face so gently within her grasp.

"James, I grieve with you the loss of this opportunity. But please know that what you say is true. You and Spock are T'hy'la, as a part of each other as body and soul. I do not know the reason that the Spock you knew would choose another, but you must see that the Spock who burns, burns for you. Uhura does not understand this and I doubt she ever will. She is blinded by her own selfishness and insecurity to see that she's hurting him."

Jim smiled at her gently for her kindness and the warmth of her touch.

"You're too kind T'Lou." He muttered quietly.

T'Lou shook her head and patted his cheek.

"I speak only the truth and before the hour is up I have no doubt that it will be you in Spock's arms. You already reside in his heart."

Jim didn't know what to say and before he had a chance to think anything up a red alert sounded over the intercom.

"Medical emergency ! Doctor McCoy to deck four immediately! There's been some kind of accident outside of Commander Spock's quarters and Lieutenant Uhura's been injured!"

Jim and Bones jumped up at the same moment and rushed out the door as quick as they could. Only T"lou stayed where she was and didn't rush to see what had happened.

She already knew what they would find.

* * *

If I study anymore I might explode. Math is going to kill me tomorrow. So in the event of my untimely demise I wanted to give one more update before I crash and burn. Hope you all like it. Reviews are always welcomed and appreciated.

Wish me luck.

Yours truly,

Jessica499499


	9. So Little Time

Bones jumped foreword ahead of Jim just as they reached scene and began scanning Uhura from her unconscious position on the ground.

"Can't say she wasn't warned." He muttered to himself as he checked her vitals.

Jim toward over her with a blank expression on his face, torn between disdainful loathing for her as a person and valid concern for her as her captain.

"Looks like she's been nerve pinched to the extreme."

Bones tilted her head back and winced at the sight of her face.

"Looks like the Hobgoblin took a chunk out of her face too. I'll bet my medical license that's a bite mark and it's nothing like any of that kinky Klingon stuff about marking a potential mate either."

Bones ran a few more scans before signaling the awaiting security personnel to put her on the gurney and take her to Sickbay.

"Nothing a thermal regenerator won't be able to fix, but she'll be out for a while."

Only Bones and Jim were left in the hall and the look that passed between them said it all.

"You be careful Jim. From what I know about Pon Farr is a very strenuous and painful experience. I'll have you on medical leave for as long as you need, but just remember the crew needs you back in one piece. Don't let your emotion cloud your judgment."

Jim nodded wordlessly and entered the override code into Spock's door as Bones hurried off to Sickbay.

The heat that engulfed him had Jim taking harsh ragged breathes and sweating as soon as he entered the room.

Spock's chambers were sweltering and Jim wondered if he should be more worried about dehydrating than approaching a Vulcan going though Pon Farr.

He wasn't afraid of that though. Spock was still Spock and he wouldn't hurt a hair on Jim's head on purpose.

The lights were at their very dimmest, making the room seem like it was coated in a red glow.

Putting the light and heat aside, all of Jim's senses were focused on finding Spock and making his pain go away by any means necessary.

He found Spock where he expected, curled on top his bed and wrapped in all the blankets their quarters contained.

The poor boy was shaking uncontrollably and Jim could see nothing of him except his hair and the tips of his ears.

Jim sat on the bed slowly and laid himself parallel to Spock's trembling form.

"Spock? Can you hear me?" He whispered softly.

The shaking paused for a moment before Spock peeked out from his cocoon of covers.

"Jim?" He answered quietly, his voice sounding lost and hopeful at the same time.

Jim scooted closer and caressed Spock's head.

"It's okay Spock. I'm here now. I'll make the pain stop."

Spock leaned into the touch hungrily and looked up at him with tear filled eyes.

"She said you weren't coming, that you didn't care if I burned. She said that I had to take her or die."

Spock scowled fiercely and flashed his bloodied teeth as he finished speaking.

"I chose to die instead. She didn't like that. She tried to kiss me and I bit her. When she didn't stop I nerve pinched her and threw her out… I just wanted her to go away so badly."

Spock nuzzled his face into Jim's neck and whimpered longingly as he finished recounting the encounter.

"I don't want her. I want you."

Jim wrapped him up in his arms and cradled the younger man to him gently.

"Do you know what's happening to you Spock? Do you know what has to be done?"

Spock nodded against Jim's neck and lightly kissed the flesh before him without thought.

"I looked it up when T'Lou told me what it was. I understand and I'm sorry that you have to go through this. I know that you do not choose me of your own volition, that I am forced upon you yet again."

Spock held Jim's face between his hands like T'Lou had done not so long ago and looked into Jim's eyes pleadingly.

"Jim, I do not offer myself to you for the sake of my life, but out of the love in my heart. I know I have no right to ask you to love someone who will exist for only a few more days, but I cannot lie to you any longer. You are my world and no matter what my older self thinks, I love you… I can not remember a time when I did not."

Spock looked so remorseful and hurting that Jim couldn't help but lean foreword and kiss the frown from his face.

He tried to push every feeling of love and reassurance into their contact, knowing that Spock was too weak to block his touch telepathy in his current state.

When they finally pulled apart Spock's expression had gone from forlorn to dreamy as he stared into the blue eyes of the man he loved. Jim was looking at him so tenderly, as though nothing was more precious than the boy in front of him and to Jim nothing was.

"Oh Spock, I wish I could make you understand why I haven't acted on my feelings either. I've loved you for so long and it doesn't matter what age, shape or form I know you as. You are my Spock and I will always love you…The only thing that kept me away was the fact that I didn't want what we had to be forgotten when our time together was up or worse remembered with regret and distain by your older self. I was trying to spare us both pain and I just ended up making us both hurt more. I'm sorry."

Spock said nothing as he wiggled out of his cocoon and practically threw himself on top of his caretaker.

"Don't be sorry, never be sorry." He muttered in-between placing kisses on his Love's face and neck.

Spock tore at the shirts keeping him from being even closer to Jim apart and pulled them over the blonde's head roughly.

As soon as the shirts were gone Spock dived down to claim Jim's lips in a searing kiss. They were both panting like fiends when they parted and staring at each other heatedly.

"All that matters is the here and now Jim. I love you and you me. Whatever happens next happens, but if just for tonight, for my love and my life, forget about everything else."

Spock placed several gentle kisses on Jim's face before leaning foreword to whisper into his ear.

"Tonight I am yours and you are mine. No matter what happens next I will hold this night dear until the last of who I am is gone. Even the older me will not be able to taint the memory if he retains it. It will be too filled with love and joy to ever be looked upon as anything less than wonderful. Do not ever feel guilty for taking what I offer to you tonight Jim. You deserve it all and so much more."

Jim blinked back his own tears as he held the young man to him with all his strength.

"My T'hy'la." He whispered reverently.

Spock all but purred at the term and nuzzled against Jim's shoulder again lightly.

"My T'hy'la." He repeated back; knowing the title was true with every fiber of his being and soul.

Because tonight they would finally find within each other their friend, their brother, and their lover.

* * *

SORRY EVERYONE! I POSTED THE CHAPTERS IN THE WRONG ORDER! I'M FIXING IT RIGHT NOW!

Yours truly,

Jessica499499


	10. Defined

THERE WAS A MIX UP IN CHAPTERS! PLEASE READ THE REAL CHAPTER 9! THIS IS CHAPTER 10! SORRY!

* * *

Jim could only define what followed as the most hazily defined moment of his life.

Every touch was a searing flash of heat and each kiss a brand on his soul. Every inch of movement felt so unbearably fast and agonizingly slow. Jim felt like he was consuming and being consumed. Taking everything Spock had to offer and giving back of himself tenfold. Nothing mattered but Spock's touch on his skin, Spock's whispers in his ears, and Spock's warmth engulfing him.

Time became meaningless and the only moments that it seemed to exist were the few times Spock rested or they shared quick calorie filled meals.

Spock dropped in and out of lucidity throughout the whole experience, but his loving endearing gaze never wavered as his body was overwhelmed by it's primal urge to mate.

Jim looked at him with the same endearing look and whispered back his own words of comfort and love as he claimed and was claimed.

Just for a little while he forgot everything. His world was completely made up of the man at his side and he wouldn't have changed it for the universe.

* * *

"Jim."

Jim awoke slowly and smiled at the Vulcan lying atop his chest.

"Good Morning T'hy'la." He whispered back as he kissed the back of Spock's hand.

Spock leaned forward to place a lingering kiss on his lips before replying.

"It is 11:47 PM T'hy'la, but thank you."

Jim laughed lightly and pulled Spock closer.

"You know what I mean Love. What's got you up and about at this hour?"

Spock's smiled faltered into one that was tiny and sad. Jim could feel the mood change as if it were his own and held Spock tighter as he answered.

"Tomorrow will be the last day I am who I am. Our last day together."

Spock whimpered at the mere thought of leaving Jim and buried his face into his neck.

"I know." Jim admitted. Even though he had tried his hardest to forget the invisible looming countdown that had lingered in the back of both their minds, he had never lost track of the precious seconds he had left.

"There are things I need to do and some will involve leaving this room." Spock informed him reluctantly.

Jim nodded, but was filled with dread.

He and Spock had been locked up in their quarters for the entire week and hadn't had any contact with the outside except a quick message to Bones to prove they were both alive. He didn't want to face the world outside, especially not when it would take time away from his mate.

Spock claimed Jim's lips in a searing kiss as he sensed his mate's distress and tried to will the pain away.

"But for now all I want is to enjoy the time we have left. I want to kiss every inch of you, to know ever part of you like I know the back of my hand, and be with you in every way I can possibly be."

Jim understood his urgency and returned it tenfold.

"Anything you want Spock. Anything you need."

Spock's eyes watered but did not spill as he looked down on his mate.

"I need to be with you always." He admitted.

Jim brushed back a stray of loose hair from Spock's face and cupped his cheek with his hand.

"You will be. After all: _"We are apart yet never parted, never and always touching and touched." _

Jim spoke the last bit in Vulcan and the sound of his mate speaking his native tongue made Spock's heart ache with love and longing.

"But tomorrow….."

Jim pulled him into a bruising kiss that silenced his mate.

"Tomorrow what I feel for you will not change. Or the day after that or the day after that. What I feel for you will never change, not even if what I feel isn't returned."

"It will always be returned Jim. As long as this heart beats it will know who it belongs to, even if its mind does not."

Jim just smiled slightly at him and ran his fingers through Spock's hair even as his eyes watered.

"I know."

The pair held each other long into the night, sharing the occasional tender kiss and whispered word.

They had so little time left.

* * *

The morning came far too soon for either of them and with it came a mounting sense of dread.

With one last desperate kiss the pair parted ways to where they needed to be, even though the only place they truly wanted to be was with each other.

Jim was on his way to the bridge and Spock to sickbay and neither needed to speak to know it.

* * *

I really was going to do a sex scene, but my heart wasn't into it. I want everyone to feel the love more than the sex. Hope you all got what I was going for!

PS: For my Noex fans. Bramblerose4 and I posted a co-authored story called the Unexpected Path! Be sure to read and review!

PSS: Please read the real chapter 9! There was a chapter mix up!

Yours truly,

Jessica499499


	11. Last Requests

Spock made his way to the private bio-bed that housed the woman he had nerve pinched into a near coma the week prior and stood at her side.

The pair held each other's gaze and glared subtly.

"You brought what happened on yourself. I will not apologize." He informed her passively, sounding more Vulcan than he ever had before.

Instead of getting angry or sad like he expected, Uhura's expression turned smug and self-satisfied.

"What does it matter? You're living on borrowed time. Enjoy your last day. By tomorrow you won't even be a memory and my Spock will be back."

Uhura waved him away with a sadistically happy grin and pulled the curtain shut between them.

"Better hurry."

* * *

Spock waited until he could control his overwhelming urge to throttle the woman grinning to herself in her bed before finding Doctor McCoy.

"Doctor, if I might have a word."

Bones looked up from his paperwork at the voice of the young Vulcan he hadn't seen in over a week.

"Good to see you're still alive Kid. Come right in."

Spock locked the door behind him and sat opposite of Bones at his desk.

Bones couldn't help but notice the subtle veil of loss over his face. He'd seen the same look on the face of terminal patients during their last few days. The sense of knowing how little time was left.

It was heart breaking, but there was no time to grieve.

"We both knew how this day will end Doctor, nothing that either of us can do will prevent the inevitable, but it is the tomorrow I will never see that concerns me most. Jim and I have become bound to each other in ways neither of us foresaw and I would not trade what we share for the world, but…the loss of a bondmate has been known to shatter even the most emotionless Vulcan.

I have only a 1in a 100 chance of awaking and knowing what Jim is to me, but in the likely event that it is not so I have a favor to ask of you. I need you to promise me you will see him through this loss. That you will not let the grief consume him as I fear it will. I have touched his mind and know it as well as my own, which is how I know that you are the closest thing to family that he has left. He will turn to you and I ask nothing more than you accept him with open arms. I fear my older-self and his chosen mate will not be nearly as kind."

Bones nodded his agreement and sighed.

"Knowing the older you I have no doubt he will be cruelest while trying to be kind. By being his friend and feigning ignorance to Jim's feelings. I can't promise I'll be able to heal this kind of thing, but I swear that I'm going to try."

Bones allowed a small smile to grace his face as he looked at the man across from him.

"Don't look so sad Kid. You gave Jim the one thing he ever wanted even if just for a little while. I've never see Jim as happy as was when he was taking care of and loving you. You gave him unconditional love for the first time in his whole life and I thank you for it."

Spock's hands clenched on top of Bones's desk until his knuckles were bone white and his eyes were swimming with tears.

"I know. I have seen what he has suffered and know just how dearly he needs me. If it were in my power I would stay at his side till the end of his days, but I cannot. It is nothing I can fight, nothing I can prevent and I am powerless to protect the one I love above all others from a pain I myself will cause."

Bones reached over to place a reassuring hand on Spock's shivering shoulder and try to give what comfort he could.

"Don't dismiss your own pain either Spock. You're hurting and I'll bet my medical license that you're afraid too."

Spock looked up at his bondmate's best friend with a watery eyed smile.

"I have no fear for myself, I will face what comes when it comes, but I do fear for Jim. The recoil of a broken bond can kill."

* * *

Spock was sought out T'Lou last on his list of people to find besides Jim and she was expecting him.

T'Lou was nestled in a corner of her quarters and reading from an ancient Vulcan text when he asked to enter and she did not turn him away.

"It's nice to see you again Spock. I knew Jim would see you through your time."

Spock nodded his head and took a seat across from her.

"I thank you for your intervention on my and Jim's behalf. You were vitally instrumental in saving my life."

"No need for thanks Spock. Jim would have come to you of his own volition without my intervention."

Spock held her gaze and smiled a tiny smile.

"You have been very helpful and kind to me T'Lou, but I fear I must ask one more favor of you."

T'Lou looked back at him so understandingly.

"You may ask anything of me Spock. I will do what I can."

Spock gave her a melancholy smile as he made his last request.

* * *

Maybe a bit too dramatic? T really wanted an update and I just couldn't refuse her!

Sorry again about the chapter mix up between chapter 9 and 10 before. I've fixed it for anyone who didn't notice the fact I accidentally posted them out of order.

Anyway, be sure to read and review!

Yours Truly,

Jessica499499


	12. While it Lasted

Jim and Spock met each other in Spock's quarters and the door had barely closed before they were on each other.

Only 3 hours were left before the Utylis's estimated time of change was expected.

Only 3 more hours before Spock would slip into his final sleep as a teen and awaken as the man he had been before.

Only 3 hours before the last few blissful weeks of Spock's life would be forgotten.

It wasn't nearly enough time.

* * *

They laid together the last hour and did nothing more than bask in each other.

Jim held Spock close as the younger man nuzzled into his neck and sighed.

"…I wish we had more time."

"I know."

Jim traced his fingers down the bottom of Spock's neck to the base of his spine and back over and over.

"Will you tell him?" Spock asked quietly.

"Who?"

"Will you tell the older Spock about us? What we are to each other?"

Jim hesitated.

"I don't know. You've seen my memories. He doesn't like me much. I wouldn't know what to say."

Spock kissed his neck softly before replying.

"I think he likes you more than you realize. I saw the way he looks at you through your eyes. He is incredibly fond of you and enjoys your company. I cannot say if he is romantically interested, but he doesn't hate you…..I don't know how anyone could."

Jim kissed Spock as he trembled in his arms.

"We don't have to talk about it if you don't want to." He offered.

Spock shook his head.

"What I want is for you to not wake in world where you feel you are not loved. What I want is for you to be happy."

"I'm happy right now." Jim answered with a smile.

"A fleeting happiness." Spock countered sadly.

Jim sighed and ran his finger though Spock's hair.

"You're worth a lifetime of sorrow."

"But you don't deserve to have to pay such a price."

Jim kissed his cheek softly.

"We are bound Spock. My thoughts and feelings are yours to know. Look at mind. See into my heart. Know that I have no regrets."

Spock's eyes watered as he smiled.

"I already know."

* * *

Despite all his desire not to Spock could not stop the potion induced sleep from making him doze an hour later.

Jim carried him to his own bed and tucked him snuggly under his covers like he had done when Spock was just a toddler.

His bondmate looked up at him with tired yet loving eyes as Jim sat at his side and held his hand.

"Will you stay until I fall asleep Jim?"

Jim smiled down at him.

"Of course."

Spock's eyes watered, but could not spill.

"I love you T'hy'la." He whispered softly.

Jim squeezed his hand and stroked his face.

"And I you…It was a beautiful dream while it lasted."

Jim waited until Spock's breathing was even and his sleep deep before he allowed his own tears to fall.

He wouldn't let his T'hy'la see him cry.

* * *

Sorry followers. Don't kill me.

Yours Truly,

Jessica499499


	13. It Wasn't Enough

Jim called Scotty and had Spock transported to a prearranged bed in sickbay from his quarters half an hour after Spock had fallen asleep.

He knew he would not be getting any sleep that night and instead made his way to sickbay to talk to Bones.

He was in the turbo lift on his way there when a shock wave washed over his body and brought him to his knees. Pain coursed through ever fiber of his being as Jim fell to the ground and curled into a ball.

He could feel the place in his mind where Spock's presence had taken up residence burn and ache as he struggled to keep breathing.

Lights danced before his eyes as a ripping sensation filled his head and made it scream in pain.

"Spock." He mouthed desperately, trying to hold onto his T'hy'la's presence in his mind.

It was a futile gesture and he knew it, but he couldn't stop himself from trying as Spock was wrenched from his head.

The pain was more than he could bear and he welcomed the blackness when it came.

Because the blackness didn't hurt like real life did.

* * *

Jim knew he was in sickbay before he even opened his eyes. Just like he knew something was terribly wrong.

His mind ached in a way it never had before and his heart clenched as he realized what had happened.

Spock had warned him he would feel it the moment their bond severed, but he hadn't imagined it would be so agonizing afterwards. It was a pulsing ache in his mind that he was conscious of more than anything else.

Then he heard Spock's voice and the pain lessoned.

"Do not fret Ashayam I am at optimal health and mental stability. The last 18 weeks have not caused any adverse reactions."

For one glorious moment Jim thought Spock had remembered it all and was waiting for him to awaken and celebrate.

Then he opened his eyes and that hope died.

Spock was sitting up in his bio-bed with Uhura at his side, holding his hand. The bleeding part of Jim's mind pulsed with pain at the sight and he just wanted to curl into a ball and go back to sleep forever.

It was too late though, Spock had noticed he was awake.

Spock held his gaze for a moment before speaking, but Jim could already see that this was not his Spock. His Spock's eyes never looked at him with anything less than absolute warmth and the ones that looked at him now held only curiosity and a pinch of concern.

"Are you functional Captain?"

No, not by a long shot, but Jim would never make Spock needlessly worry.

With a noticeable effort Jim sat up in his bed and avoided looking at either of them.

"I'm fine Spock. Just tripped in the turbo lift and knocked myself out. No need to worry."

Even though he wasn't looking at her Jim could tell Uhura was smirking smugly as she replied.

"Vulcan's don't worry Captain."

_You're wrong._ Jim thought to himself as he put his feet on the ground tentatively.

Spock worried more than anyone about the people he loved.

But that didn't include him anymore did it?

Jim stood as proudly as he could as he straightened his top and he avoided looking in their direction.

"I've got to go find Bones and find out if that bump to my head caused any damage. Take all the time you need off Mr. Spock. I'm sure you and Uhura have a lot to talk about."

"Captain?" Spock called quietly after him as he rushed out of the room.

Jim pretended not to hear him and made his way out of sickbay. The nearest panel told him he'd slept through the night and Bones was off shift. Thankfully he was still on medical leave until Bones cleared him so he didn't have to report to his shift that day either.

He needed his best friend to help him through this, so with a pained sigh Jim made his way to Bones's quarters and knocked on his door.

Bones looked at him though bleary eyes when he answered, obviously having been sleeping.

One look at Jim's face was enough to wake him up and usher his friend in though.

The door had barely shut before Bones had him in a bone breaking hug.

"It's okay Kid. Let it out." Bones whispered calmly.

Jim froze for a second as his mind told him that no one other than his bondmate should ever touch him like this, but that thought only brought on a whole new wave of pain and made him sink bonelessly into his friend's hold.

"He's gone Bones." Was all he could say.

Bones just held him close and led him to his bed.

"I'm sorry Jimmy."

Jim couldn't hold it together any longer and simply unraveled.

His tears fell endlessly as he collapsed on Bones's bed and wept at the sheer agony he felt.

"You want to know the worst part?" Jim muttered through his tears.

Bones said nothing and let him continue.

"The part of me separate from the pain can't help but be happy he's alive and the rest can't help but be sad because it feels like he's dead. Both feel true Bones and I don't know which hurts more."

"I'm sorry Jimmy. I'm so sorry."

Jim cried until he could cry no more and fell back into a dreamless sleep on top of Bones's bed.

McCoy continued to stroke his back as Jim trembled and muttered even in his sleep.

"Spock." He gasped every few minutes.

Bones would have done anything to take away Jim's pain, knew the only thing he could do was continue to be there.

It wasn't nearly enough.

* * *

Don't kill me! There will be more! I promise!

As always please read and review!

Yours truly,

Jessica499499


	14. Nothing Mattered More

Spock could not help but feel uneasy with all of Uhura's attention being lavished on him.

The last bit of information he could recall before his awakening in sickbay had been of their last fight, before the mission that had de-aged him.

About how he was spending too much time with Jim and not sharing enough with her.

To him it felt like the fight had only just occurred and his sense of time was completely off kilter.

It amazed him that 18 weeks had passed without him having any recollection of them. Had Uhura not told him so he never would have believed it.

Other than the length of time he'd become unable to remember she also wouldn't tell him anything of his time de-aged.

It was like she was trying to pretend it hadn't happened and the more she did the more he desperately wanted to know what had.

Every time he tried to ask her she would change the subject or wave it away like it meant nothing.

He tried to contact Jim or Doctor McCoy, but Uhura seemed determined to keep him in her sights at all times while he was on medical leave.

It wasn't until a week after he'd awakened that he'd been able to convince her to leave him alone for his first shift. At least as much as she could while working on the other side of the bridge. He desperately tried to catch the Captain's eye so that he could invite him to his quarters after shift so that they could talk, but the blonde wouldn't look his way.

It was unnerving to be ignored so entirely by someone that, at least in his mind, Spock considered his dearest friend.

He tried in vain to draw the captain to his station for even the most trivial of matters, but Jim managed to avoid it every time. Spock missed the easy comradely that he'd had with the Jim over the past few years aboard the Enterprise and what was worse was the fact that he didn't know why. What could he possibly have done to make Jim hate him so during those unrecalled weeks?

It hurt and he didn't understand why. All he knew was that ever since he'd awakened in sickbay, he'd felt incomplete, even more so than when he'd lost his world.

Uhura told him what had happened over the course of the last 18 weeks didn't matter, but to him at the moment, nothing mattered more.

* * *

Spock disliked sickbay greatly. Between Nurse Chapel's constant flirting and Doctor McCoy's distasteful commentary about his half-breed biology, it was a place he avoided.

But he reluctantly entered the room of his own volition and knocked on Doctor McCoy's office door.

He was greeted with a rough "Come on in." from the other side.

Spock sighed internally and opened the door with the greatest sense of trepidation.

"Doctor McCoy, if I might have a word?"

Bones's head shot up at the sound of his voice and his face instantly grew grim.

"If it isn't my second favorite hobgoblin."

Spock said nothing and took a seat across from the doctor, the very same seat he'd taken only a week ago as the teen who wished more then anything to save Jim from the heartache he was feeling now.

"Doctor, I was hoping you could better inform me on what occurred during my weeks of being under the influence of the Utylis's potion. I have been left with only a lingering sense of unease and a gap in my memory of what occurred during that time. I had theorized that you would be more willing to inform me about what has occurred than Nyota has been."

Bones's face was a cross between knowing and pitying as he looked at Spock.

"I'm sorry Spock, but this isn't a conversation for you and I to have. Nyota clearly doesn't want you to find out about what happened and you're the one who picked her to be your bondmate."

Bones spat out the word bondmate with complete venom as he recalled her cruel words to Jim while Spock was burning.

"If you really want to know what happened I suggest you have a little chat with your chosen."

With that Bones exited his own office and left Spock to contemplate his words.

* * *

Wow, this one might end up with more reviews than While You Were Sleeping!

At least I hope so! So keep them coming!

Yours truly,

Jessica499499


	15. Damn

Nyota smiled and fluttered about their corridors as she prepared for their romantic dinner. Spock was finally back to his old self and they were together again. No more Jim Kirk and his whore like ways to interfere with them. She was absolutely high off the thought of how they would be together forever now.

She had just set the salad onto the table as the finishing touch when Spock entered their corridors.

She beamed at him as he entered and placed a quick kiss to his cheek.

"Welcome home Ashayam." She cooed.

Spock's side twinged at the term of endearment on her lips, not knowing why it sounded so wrong.

Uhura didn't notice his uneasiness and led him over to where their table was all set up.

"Come join me Spock. I've made all your favorites."

Spock took a seat across from her and folded his hands on top of the table.

"Thank you for your consideration Uhura, but I am not hungry at this time."

Uhura looked at him worriedly and put her hand on top of his.

"Talk to me Spock. I'm your chosen. You can tell me anything."

Spock said nothing as he pulled his hands out from under hers.

"Nyota, I need to know. What occurred during my missing 18 weeks? Things are different than they were before…..I am different."

Spock took a steadying breath and folded his hands together tighter.

"Something has changed within me that I cannot explain. Something fundamental in my makeup had been altered. I do not remember the cause of this change, but I know that something is missing. I cannot put a name to it, but I know I have lost something. Something precious."

Spock looked up at Uhura for the first time since he'd started speaking and was caught of guard by the amount of both fear and anger in her eyes.

Her hands balled into fists on top the table as she shook with suppressed emotion.

"Nothing has changed! Things are exactly as they were before! I am still your chosen and you are still my Spock! What happened with that potion was just a mistake! Nothing has changed, nothing at all!"

Spock's suspicions of her hiding something from him tripled as she stood and came to stand next to him.

She hugged his head to her chest tightly and touched his hair gently.

"I am your chosen, you are my Spock, things are as they were. You don't need to know what happened. It'll just upset you."

Spock pulled out of her grasp and backed up to the door.

"I will decide what is necessary for me to know Uhura and if you truly valued your place as my chosen you would not keep secrets from me."

Uhura looked like a deer caught in headlights as she met Spock's gaze.

"Some secrets are best left unknown Spock. Please just take my word on it. I would forget what happened when you were under that potion if I could. I'm just protecting you, isn't that enough?"

Uhura reached out to him and smiled tentatively.

In response Spock took a step back and away from her.

"It is not enough Uhura. I need…..something. If you will not tell me what it is, I will find out for myself."

He turned on his heels and left the room before she could respond.

He didn't see her throw her wine glass against the nearest wall and have it shatter into a thousand pieces. He didn't hear her harsh words either.

"Damn you Kirk. Even when he can't remember what happened he wants you. How can I compete with that?"

* * *

A little treat for my BFF in exchange for a wonderful sneak peak!

Please read and review!

Yours truly,

Jessica499499


	16. Lost

Spock was lost. Not physically, but mentally.

He felt as though he had been set adrift from everything that held him bound and safe and he could not bear it. Uhura was acting so different, McCoy was behaving strangely, and Jim…Jim seemed so far away and he didn't know why.

Out of everything that had changed it was Jim's reaction that worried him the most. He'd never been close to McCoy and as much as he hated to admit it he could live his life quite happily without Uhura, but Jim was irreplaceable.

Jim had been his dearest friend since the start of their mission together and now the most precious relationship he'd ever had with someone other than his mother was in jeopardy.

Spock stopped mid step as a thought struck him.

What he felt now was almost the same as when he had lost his mother, but different.

When Amanda had been lost he'd felt like he'd lost something more precious than anything. He'd felt the place where his mind was connected to hers snap and the ever steady of stream of love that he'd felt from her since the day he was born disappear.

It felt like that. Like a broken bond. Like a source of unquestioned love had been taken from him.

But as he searched his mind he could not find such a bond or even the remnant of one. Had such a bond existed there would be some proof in his mind…..Wouldn't there?

Just as the memories what had happened were completely erased, could he have lost a whole bond? A connection so profound that someone who had never experienced one could never understand, a loss so deep that it left scars forever after.

He had no scars in his mind, but his heart…He was sure that the lingering ache in his side was his body's only way of remembering something that important.

He knew he'd lost something, but a bondmate? It seemed so impossible, so illogical.

But at the very thought, his heart ached and he believed it regardless of everything his mind told him.

Someone had to be willing to tell him the truth, someone had to tell him what was missing, why he hurt so much.

No sooner had this thought crossed his mind than he caught sight of an elderly Vulcan woman walking towards him.

He did not recognize her in the least, but as he caught her gaze he knew she knew him. Her dark onyx eyes stared at him with pity and sadness, something he was not used to seeing aimed at him.

"Greetings Spock." She acknowledged with a slight nod.

Spock nodded back but could still not remember the woman before him.

"Forgive me Elder, but I do not believe I know you."

The woman nodded knowingly and motioned for him to follow her. She spoke to him over her shoulder as she led him away.

"I am T'Lou, the one who taught you while you were under the affects of the Utylis's potion. I helped Captain Kirk look after you while you relived your childhood with him."

She stopped at a door and opened it with a code.

"Please don't misunderstand. You were not in my care. I only taught you during the day. The rest of the time you spent with your Captain."

Spock felt an odd surge of warmth fill him at the thought of being a small child again in his Captain's care.

Jim would never have made him feel like he had to be anything other than what he was.

No sooner had he thought that then he felt as though the air around him had cooled even as he stepped into T'Lou's warmer than normal chambers.

T'Lou waved him over to where a table sat cleared and ready for them.

"Come and sit with me Spock. We have much to discuss."

* * *

Don't you just love Cliffhangers? You must if you follow me.

Anyway, hope you all like this update. Be sure to read and review!

Yours truly,

Jessica499499


	17. Life is Short

Spock took the offered seat and sat stiffly across from his apparently former teacher.

"No one aboard the ship has been very forthcoming about what occurred over the course of the 18 weeks of my de-agement. If you would enlighten me to what transpired I would be very grateful."

T'Lou nodded and scooted in closer to the table.

"I am not surprised by their reluctance to tell you. Some of what occurred was not pleasant."

T'Lou held out her hand in the meld formation and offered it to Spock.

"Words would not do it justice. May I show you?"

Spock hesitated a moment before nodding. He would normally never allow a stranger into his mind, but he had to know what had happened. Why he ached.

T'Lou's wrinkled hand touched his meld point gently as she whispered.

"My mind to your mind. My thoughts to your thoughts."

Darkness filled Spock's mind for a moment before it was connected to T'Lou's.

He could hear her ancient voice in his mind as images began to flicker in front of him.

He saw himself as a child, no more than seven years old, standing behind Jim's legs in a hiding manner. Jim reaching down and ruffling his hair gently, causing a hesitant smile to appear on his face.

He saw himself walking the halls at different ages with Jim at his side. Always growing older, always smiling up at Jim.

But it was not all sunshine and roses.

He saw himself fighting with Uhura, scowling at her as she ordered him around.

He saw himself slipping into Pan Farr.

Lastly he saw the scene in Sickbay. He heard Uhura's biting words and Jim's heartfelt pledge of love.

His proclamation of them being T'hy'la.

Spock thought that it was over when one last image filled his mind.

He was talking to T'Lou in this very seat as an 18 year old with only hours left.

"_You have been very helpful and kind to me T'Lou, but I fear I must ask one more favor of you." _

_T'Lou looked back at him so understandingly._

"_You may ask anything of me Spock. I will do what I can." _

_Spock gave her a melancholy smile as he made his last request. _

"_I fear that my request might test your willingness to help T'Lou. I love Jim too dearly to leave him alone in this cruel world. My consciousness will not survive the night T'Lou unless I take…. alternative measures." _

"_What would you purpose Spock?" _

_Spock looked away._

"_I have read of Vulcan mothers who have lost their children as infants taking on the memories of their children just before they die so as to remember them better….My life span would be considered infantile to most species. I only have 18 weeks worth of memories, not even half a year. I came to ask if you would be willing to store my memories inside you as a Vulcan mother would her young…"_

_Spock could not keep the grief from his face. _

"_I cannot give Jim the gift of my memories because he is human and unable to handle such mental stress, but perhaps one day the older me will see reason and want to know how life could be if he accepted Jim's love. If my existence can serve any purpose at all I want it to be to give Jim all the happiness in the universe. _

_So I beg you T'Lou to take my memories and offer them to the older Spock when I am gone. Let him know what Jim did for me and would do for him in a heartbeat. Jim and I faced the fire together, even if this mind will not recall it. This heart and soul belong to Jim Kirk and the older me should know it." _

_Spock looked deep into T"Lou's eyes, as though knowing that she would show older Spock this memory and he wanted to talk to his older self directly. _

"_I will never meet him nor he me, but we share the same Katra. We are apart of each other and Jim is half of us. We cannot be whole without him. Please remind Spock of this before it is too late." _

The memory flickered and hazed until the space around him was once again dark. Spock stared into the darkness and tried to gather his thoughts.

It all made sense now, why Uhura, Doctor McCoy and Jim were all acting so strangely.

Why his heart ached so.

He had bonded to someone.

He had bonded to James Tiberius Kirk, his friend, his Captain….His T'hy'la?

How could he forget something like that? The flames of Pon Farr, the bonding of minds, and the joining of them together as one in all ways?

No wonder Jim was avoiding him. The pain of a broken bond was hard enough to deal with alone without the sight of his lost love consorting with another.

Spock couldn't begin to describe his feelings of guilt at having put Jim through something like that.

He was only seconds away from breaking the meld and rushing to Jim's side when a light in the distance caught his attention.

Spock followed the glow and came upon what looked like himself as a toddler curled up into a ball sleeping.

Spock knew on sight it was the embodiment of his former life and memories and didn't hesitate to reach out and wake the slumbering boy.

The tot opened it's eyes sleepily and looked around until his gaze landed on Spock.

The two stared at each other for a long moment before the younger's eyes began to water.

"Where is Jim?" He asked softly.

Spock felt irreparable sorrow at his younger self's plight and opened his arms to him.

"Do not cry. I will take you to him."

The younger Spock blinked up at him with trusting eyes and nodded before floating into Spock's arms.

The darkness that surrounded them previously dissipated as the boy in his arms began to glow and become one with his elder self.

Spock could feel month's worth of memories and moments filling his mind and becoming his again.

It was so much more than what he had seen in T'Lou's mind.

Now he could remember ever gentle caress and muttered word. Every single kiss and declaration of love.

It surrounded him and filled him to the brim as he remembered what it was like to be reared and loved by his captain.

How Jim had seen him through the fires of Pon Farr. How he'd cared for him and treated Spock like he was his own flesh and blood.

Even how he'd sat at his side till the end with his brimming eyes and a loving smile.

All that was absent now was the bond that he and Jim had so carefully forged in the heat of their love making during his Pon Farr. In it's place was the broken and sharp edges of a bond severed without the consent of either party. The force of the pain from it made him recoil and with a deep gasp of breath as Spock broke away for the meld to find T'Lou's smiling eyes looking right at him.

"Do you understand now young one?" She asked softly.

Spock nodded wordlessly before rushing to his feet.

"Forgive me elder, but I must speak with Jim immediately."

T'Lou nodded and waved him to the door.

"Do not waste a moment with him Spock. Life is too short."

Spock nodded his agreement before practically sprinting out the door and to his love's quarters.

* * *

I made this extra long for my one and only BFF Bramblerose4!

Hope you all liked this chapter! There won't be many more!

Be sure to read, review and tell others about Our Chances!

Yours truly,

Jessica499499


	18. Home

This is in honor of Leonard Nimoy, who devoted so much of his life to the pursuit of opening up new worlds to viewers around the globe and who inspired so many of us to continue to Live Long and Prosper even when it was hard. His death is a tragedy for his family, his fans, and the world. And to all who feel the pain of his passing as I do, know that I can sincerely and truly say that I grieve with thee…

Rest in Peace Dear Friend. You were an inspiration to us all.

* * *

Jim sat at his desk with a forlorn expression as he tried and failed to focus on his paperwork.

All he could think about was Spock, and trying to live the rest of his life pretending that he didn't love him.

He'd been able to bear it when Spock was just an unrequited love who was with someone else, but now…..Now that he'd tasted Spock's lips, caressed his body and touched his mind, things could not be as they once were.

Now he knew what it was like to be loved by Spock, totally, utterly and without reservations.

Jim had never been loved like that before and now never would be again.

It took all he had to do his job everyday with Spock so close to him because the difference between before and now were so striking.

Even though they had only been bonded a short while it had been a strong bond and it hurt to not be able to reach for the place in his mind and feel Spock's presence, to know that his Vulcan was okay without having to turn around or ask him.

His first response to seeing Spock each day was still to reach out and share a Vulcan kiss or to touch his cheek.

Now he had to still his hand and endure the sight of his once bondmate sharing Vulcan kisses with his communications officer.

It hurt so much to watch and to know that he would have to watch it for the rest of their mission.

In those few months together Jim had carved out a place for Spock in soul and now there was a gap where Spock had once been. A place in his mind and his heart was bleeding and there was nothing Bones could do to patch it up.

It only hurt all the worse to know that in another life, another setting, they could have worked. That it was possible for Spock to love him, to accept what Jim had known all along. That they were T'hy'la.

The last few months had only proven it, but Jim knew it wasn't right to try and force that fact onto Spock.

He didn't want to make Spock feel like he had to be with him or keep him from starting a family.

All of his old reasons for never confessing to Spock were back and Jim didn't have the heart to take away the life Spock had actually made for himself. To undermine his choices.

He knew he would just have to learn to live off the memory of what they had been for those few precious days.

It was a painful realization.

With a resigned sigh Jim rose from his desk and made his way to bed. He was only a step away from it when the door that connected his room to the bathroom he and Spock shared opened.

Spock stood in the doorway and panted heavily for a moment as his eyes caught Jim's.

The blonde opened his mouth to question what Spock was doing there, but was cut off by his former lover rushing forward and cradling the sides of his face.

Jim stilled beneath the familiar touch and looked up at Spock with questioning eyes.

The Vulcan merely brushed his thumb along the dark circles beneath Jim's eyes that had been left from his many sleepless nights since Spock's thoughts had been taken from him.

Knowing he was the cause of them made Spock's heart ache, but knowing that he could prevent them from thereafter kept him strong.

"T'hy'la." The Vulcan whispered softly between them, allowing it to fill the silence and say all that he could not at that moment.

Jim looked up at him with wide eyes that betrayed both his fear and his hope.

Fear that this was some cruel joke and hope that it wasn't.

Seeing that, Spock grasped Jim's face tighter between his own and kissed him.

He kissed him with a tenderness reserved for only the most intimate of people and in that kiss he felt all that his T'hy'la had felt in his absence.

It was heart wrenching to feel the sharp edges of their broken bond in Jim's mind, even more so because Jim had no shields or training to dull the ever present pain.

A lesser man would not have survived it.

But Jim even in his current state was stronger than anyone that Spock had ever known and he thanked the Ancients that his love had strength enough to await him.

When they pulled apart Jim barely let an inch exist between them as he clung to the man before him with all his strength.

"But they said-. How could you-. Do you?" Jim gasped between them.

Spock smiled slightly and caressed the side of his love's face.

"I remember Jim. I remember everything."

With those words Jim felt his world shift.

It felt like finally, he'd regained his balance since the moment their bond had been severed.

He could feel Spock's mind against his own for the first time in what felt like forever and it soothed the ache inside him that not even Bones could heal.

But the pain was still there, as he suspected it would always be as long as he and Spock were together yet not bound.

"Forgive me." Spock whispered between them.

"Forgive me for not preventing this. For not seeing what was right before my eyes. I hurt you and I didn't even have the sense to see it."

"But what about Uhura?" Jim dared ask.

Spock bowed his head and sighed.

"She and I were over long before this happened. I was just too foolish to admit it."

Knowing that Jim wouldn't be satisfied with just that answer he led Jim to his bed and sat them upon it.

"You must understand Jim. When we met my world was ending. I was reeling from the loss of my mother, my world, and the parts of my mind connected to both. I clung to Uhura thinking that I could not bear to lose another soul who loved me…...But in all that chaos and pain, I still could not ignore what you were to me. How bright you shone to guide my way when my soul was so dimmed by tragedy. It was the thought of losing you and that light that made me decide to stay aboard the Enterprise, not Uhura."

Spock sighed again as he struggled to find a way to make Jim understand why he had done as he had done.

"But you came into my life in the wake of such calamity Jim, I did not know if what I felt for you was real or something I had conjured up to help deal with my pain. I stayed with Uhura because she was something I knew and chose. Something I had before this all occurred. I dare not even dream that you saw anything more in me than a fellow officer or at best a friend. But then when given the opportunity to love you and choose you again I didn't hesitate. My younger self saw through the lies I had blinded myself with and knew at once what I had denied since the moment our eyes met for the first time."

Spock grasped Jim's hand and shaped his fingers into the form necessary for a Vulcan kiss. He then moved his fingers into the same arrangement and brought them to Jim's. Both felt the spark and of something between them, even dimmed as it was by their now broken bond.

"We are T'hy'la. Separate but a part of one another. My younger self with his last few hours made sure that I would never forget what you felt for me and what you had done."

To Jim's disbelief Spock then flushed a light emerald.

"He helped me to remember everything. Even the flames."

Jim flushed too at the reminder of their lovemaking. The memory still burned so vividly in his mind, too brilliant to be tarnished even by his pain and sadness.

To know that Spock still had it, that it had not been lost when so much else had been, lifted a weigh off Jim's shoulders he hadn't known he was still carrying.

"I would face the blazes with you a thousand times if you needed me to. I finally found in you what I have looked for in so many others Spock. I knew and I wished for the right to hope that you saw the same in me."

Jim caressed the side of Spock's face as his own showed a look of wonder.

He hadn't dared to hope that he would ever be able to touch Spock again like this outside of his dreams, but now that he knew he could…..

Spock felt Jim's unspoken desire through his skin and all but shuddered in want.

"Jim, to be apart from you after knowing our unity is agony. Would you allow me to reunite us again?"

Jim smiled at him softly, but then looked down at their joined hands.

"I wish it more than you can ever know Love, but…"

Spock leaned in closer and closed his eyes.

"But?" He questioned quietly.

Already his mind had conjured up a thousand reasons Jim would not have him if his life were not hanging in the balance. A million doubts justified in that one word.

And in that moment Jim looked so horribly fragile.

"Spock, if your mind were to be torn from mine again…I wouldn't survive it. I couldn't endure that kind of loneliness and pain a second time. So if we're to be reunited again, you must promise me that it's for forever. That you won't change your mind or leave me or-."

Spock silenced his loved with a kiss that promised all that and so much more.

"Never again T'hy'la. I will be yours for always and in all ways. Once you are mine, I will never let you."

Jim would have believed him even if he couldn't feel his sincerity bleeding from his skin, so he didn't hesitate to tilt his face enough for Spock to touch his meld points.

The Vulcan recited the ancient chant of his people that Jim knew by heart and in an instant they found themselves intertwined with each other.

To Spock it was like seeing the light again after an eternity of darkness.

But to Jim it was like being welcomed back to a place he knew every inch of, but still had only just begun to explore.

To them both, it felt like coming home.

* * *

Here's a happy ending to dull the pain of the loss of Leonard Nimoy. Please know that I am crying as I write this and that while this great man is no longer with us, he lives on in our work and in our hearts.

May we all live long and prosper as he would have wished.

Yours truly,

Jessica499499


	19. Bonus Out Take Chapter

Here's a little outtake to a scene I started writing out, but eventually dropped from the story.

* * *

Jim was filling his bathtub with warm water for Spock's first non-washcloth bath when he took notice of his charge's frightened face. It didn't strike him as odd that Spock was afraid of the water, most toddlers probably were at first, but he couldn't have predicted Spock's reaction when he attempted to actually place him in the water. The green blooded infant shrieked in terror as his toes were dipped into the liquid and gripped Jim's wrists with all his strength. Only Jim's quick reaction kept him from dropping the tot at the bone crushing grasp and made him wrench the child from the water's touch. He was quick to deposit the Spock on the nearest pile of towels and examine his pained wrists.

Two tiny hand shaped bruises were already forming there and throbbing painfully from the child's touch. Spock crawled to his caretaker's side and gingerly reached out to stroke Jim's damaged flesh. He recoiled at the feel of pain radiating from Jim's skin, tears instantly swelling in his eyes for the first time in his life.

"Sowwy…." He muttered quietly, his little voice sounding so fragile and sorrowful for causing Jim pain.

Jim instantly forgot about his injuries and scooped Spock up into his arms.

"Don't cry Spock, please don't cry. It's okay sweetheart I'm fine, you didn't mean it"

The tears fell harder as Spock he tried to wiggle out of Jim's grasp.

"I hewrt you! I'm sowy! All my folt!" Jim held the two year old all the tighter and stroked his hair soothingly, making soft shushing noises.

Eventually the stream of tears trickled down to nothing and the Vulcan stilled in his arms. Spock laid his head into the crook of Jim's neck and sniffled pitifully.

"I Sowwy." He mumbled tiredly.

Jim shifted Spock to his hip and grabbed the nearest towel from the stack. He wrapped the tot up tight and brought him back into his room. They could do a washcloth bath in the morning before shift.

Spock let himself be dress in his nightgown like pajamas and laid out on top his bed without protest or tears. It wasn't until Spock was tucked away and dozing that Jim sat at his side and began explaining.

"You know you and I are different species Spock. I'm human and you're half human, half Vulcan. That's why we look different."

Spock awoke more at his words and looked up at Jim with wide and puffy eyes.

"Diffuent?" He questioned cutely.

"Different isn't bad Spock, it just means you're very special. A child of two worlds. You remember what I taught you about Vulcan right?"

Spock nodded solemnly in response.

"Well I may not be your parent by blood, but I care about you as much I would my own child Spock and I don't care that you're a different species. I thinks it's pretty awesome that you're so unique.

"Unique." Spock parroted back flawlessly with a shy grin.

He knew that word. It described the feeling he got around Jim.

That special feeling he got around no one else. The one he still lacked the word for.

One day soon though, he would learn the word.

The word for the feeling he'd felt since Jim had first held him in his arms.

The word Love.

* * *

Those of you that read the Author's note in the first chapter will remember that I promised a surprise at the end of this story.

Well here it is: I'm changing my penname.

I'm switching from my current penname Jessica499499 to my new one Lacy Fairgold.

So don't be shocked if you get an author alert by that penname! It's still me!

Please tell anyone you know who reads my work about the change who might not be following this story!

I really appreciate it and hope that you all like my new name!

Yours truly, for the first time ever,

Lacy Fairgold


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